my true words...

I feel so touched after I read my fren’s blog. I found the true pure mother’s love in there. She protect her both son so with loves. She is a role model for all the mums in this world. She scarifies herself so much for her both sons. When I read his post, it reminds me my own mum. I don’t know why in this world, I will have her as my mum. I know is rude or disrespect for me to say bad about my own mum but recently I really can’t stand her attitude anymore. When I was kids, everything of mine is control by her. Almost every day I feel so scared of her, scare of being beaten up by her. Whenever I got back my result paper which has bad result, I will end up by beaten seriously. I still remember once, I got beaten up by you just because I tear my book’s paper sheet. Is just one or two sheet and u without listen to my reason, u beat me up so hard till I dun even can sit and lay with back. Why on this earth got a mum will beat her own daughter till so serious just because of tearing a paper sheet from book? That time, I wonder why u are acting like that. I was so sad and crying, my dad, you came. You consult me, you have a look at me but you never side me and say she was wrong to do this on me. You are just trying to explain to me that she was hurt too when she beat me so hard. That time I was just in primary school, I know nothing, I just taught to be must respect my parents all the time so I just follow whatever u both teach me. As time goes, as when I grow up, I started to think on my own, I learned that sometimes I am not the one that making faults all the times. So why should I admit the entire mistake which some is not my faults? Is it about the children should respect parent’s relationship again? Then is it means in this kind of relationship, parents always the winner, always the right one no matter what? I really totally disagree with this anymore because I was the victim, always the stupid one which accepts all the blame when I was small.


I will never forgot how you treat me when I was young, besides caning u even lock me outside the house, feed me with chilli whenever I did something wrong. Why? Why can’t you just taught me nicely or even explain to me nicely at that time? Why you always need to use the harsh ways to teach me? You know you already built the fear of me towards you since I was small? I always scare I make any mistake when I was young. Even till secondary school, I still afraid of you so much. You always stop me from hanging out with friends. All my friends knew you are very strict to me. Remember once, without your admission I went to my senior house to have prefect board discussion. Ended up you scolded me like hell and you even force me to cut off my hair just because of that. Mum, that time I already in form3 and yet you acting like that to me. I ain't going anywhere playing around, I was just went to have prefect discussion with friends. Why are u treating me like that, I also asking myself many times. Do you know the stressfulness I get from you since young? You said you are not forcing us to get good result but actually u did. Whenever me n bro got bad result, your face turn black and you will show your emotion to us. So it is so stressful whenever is exam period. Still remember the form4 incident? I tell you, is you the one that making me to do that. You are the one that making me to choose to use that way. But I truly regret for what I did during that time. My bro, my only sibling which got some sickness during his form4 and form5 period is also because of you, my mum. Don’t you notice how stressful we are in order just to fulfil your high expectation on us? We are so stress. My bro got bad result for his SPM, yet u blame him for din study hard again but please don’t forget you are the one that making him like that during the 2years. He suffers lots and I can see it. However you will always argue with him and did not listen to what he really need. You always say we both blame you so much and not dad but do you think of it why we will do that? Because dad will always use the right way to teach us although I really disagree with him sometimes which always ask us to “jao” you all the time. This is because sometimes mum, you really did something wrong then why should we always the one that take the blame and let you win? You are getting serious with this attitude already, can’t you feel it? That day, you were arguing with me with my tune of talking with you and I admit I was wrong but what’s wrong with brother? He did nothing wrong and just trying to make you smile back again but you scolded him without any reasons again. That is the first time I feel that my brother is growing up already, I was so amaze with what he did to you. He straight shouts at you but with reasonable excuses until I believe you feel you are wrong at the moment also. However, you said “Let your mum win can or not?” From this, I can see how strong desire you are to win among us. You will never admit your mistake and even when u are the one that wrong you will still insist to win. I was so happy when my said, “You so love to win, I let you will all the time la~~~” Waa, bravo for him and I told him I will support him if dad scold him.


I had follow what you want me to do till even my future career I also follow your choice. Sometimes I wonder why I am always so good baby girl for you. After form6, I applied for UTAR to study the PR course which I am interested on it. However when the local university confirmation out, you force me to study at local university. I explain so hard to you that I don’t want to go is because is too far away and I want to stay in west Malaysia and not SABAH!!! BUT I FAILED as I always did that when I argue something with you. I had to follow what you arrange for me, had to fly over there to start a totally new life for me. Is okay because I believe everything I did will bring something good in return for me. U promise that you will never interrupt my love’s life once I enter university and I am so stupid and believe on what you said. I met him and be with him for months then when is the right time, I told you that we both been 2gthr for months already. However what I got it from you is just REJECT and REJECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You never want to hear my reason of choosing him. I told you he had the entire characteristic that you want in my future boy friend yet you gave me a silly excuse as YOU do not have FAITH with HIM!!!!! What the heck is this? How come my boy friend needs to have FAITH with you? HE will be my future spouse and not YOU!!! Why is u saying all those reason which is not reasonable at all? I remember I told you do not force me till my exam end but u insists to always call me till the stage to want me to just give up on him. WHY? Why you have to be like that? IS so silly you know? You even not agree us to be normal friends as you said you scare I will never give up HIM. Is just be a normal friend you also reject then do you know how was my feeling at the moment? I feel so useless of even my own future life decision; I also cannot make it my own. How stupid is it? We argue over this issue many times and ended up I really give up because I dun like you to mess up the family with all the annoying arguing noise around me. It is so stressful.


One day, I suddenly argue the same issue again. I asked you whether is it in future whenever I meet a boy which ask me to be his girl friend, does I need your approval? So silly that you said a YES to me. And before that you said I can even be with anyone I want as long as is not HE. But now u tells me that I have to have your agreement on every single guy that I want to be with? So stupid man. Mum, I want to ask you; is me the one that want to get marry in future or you? Why you have to choose the guy that marries me? Is not the 70’s or 80’s already. I have my own choice but u told me, those girls who are obedient always bring their partner to get her parents approval before they can start date each other. Do you want me to really be like that? It sounds like I am just a pet or a doll which control by you, do you know that? I know you worry I will choose the wrong guy, but mum, I need to learn from mistake too. Why can’t you let me overcome it myself and let me choose myself? I am so tired of arguing the same issue with you all the time, so I choose to bluff you which I do not want to do it at all. I feel like sometimes you are so pitiful when your beloved son makes you angry much. So I consults you all the times but you do not know how suffer how stress I am in my life. I have to pretending all the time in front of you. I was so hope that you can just accept HIM so that you can avoid from worry or stress of me already.


Just chat with you about my brother. I saw some stupid action of you which makes me feel so blank with you. I wonder why are you doing all sorts of things which actually will only be a bad impression to your children? You always wanted to be in the higher rank, always wanted to be in above moderate family. I tell you, I really rather I am in a moderate family with bunch of happy family members. I remember that mostly is when you hurting my pride. That day, you saw we both 2ghtr and you starting to argue with me. But mum, sometimes please mind your language. You even say some bad and harsh words which make me feel so disappointed with you. You even can do not want to recognize me just because of this silly things. However, since the argument between you n bro that day, I knew you will never give up and agree ME n HIM. Because it does not matter about FAITH actually, is about the pride you care about, about the strong desire that you want to win. So how? I do not know at this moment. I just hope that; please do not make me make the choice that I do not want to make in next year. I do not want to leave you but if times come, you forcing me too much, I scare I will... However, mum; please know that, I do respect and love you but you are the one that making all this getting faded.
As for dad, happy father’s day to you. However, I still feel that you are too bias over mum already till she thought that everything in the house must get her approval or she must be the winner, or we all must listen to her. Dad, I know respect to mum is a must but sometimes logical is also a must. IF mum is acting over on something and you are still on her side, she will never know when she is wrong.


I just pray that, everything will be fine before I make any decision during next year which I do not want to make at all. Please and please change it....